thought pad

wondering how it feels like to be wooed

the point is.

one hell of a sorry from someone who knows he gave so much trouble and pain. truth is, you avoid talking about the things you did. fact is, you just dismissed me again with that video clip or whatever. what the hell is wrong with me? it takes so long for me to realize i'm being treated like shit. i even marry the person who's turned my life to shit, my character into angst, my heart into something else. i don't even know why i have to be this way. it just feels me, now, that is. can't see me cry. don't want me to cry. yet everything you did was to make me cry. because you're selfish. up to now. yes. and again, it took me so long to realize that. gawd. it feels fucking insane inside. it fucking feels like hell all over again. and no, not just hell with you. yes, hell like when i was little. hell when i was making the dumbest decisions in my life because i was young. well there it is. i'm not young anymore. fuck it. i make a mistake my daughter's life depends on it. just once, can't i make the bad choice again? what? now i'm suddenly moral? screw it. building up all the courage so i can be someone else. just not this pathetic la right here typing. i feel like i want to cry but i'm really trying my best not to. oh please not again. cz hey, you didn't appreciate the weaker side of my too much. probably the reason you just dismissed me again earlier. for you it's weakness but this is me. not that i didn't show you that. i guess it's something you filtered out when you tried to get to "know" me or probably get in my pants. isn't that it? probably so. or maybe i just really fuck up people. i mean, so many failed relationships gotta mean something, right? damn you. i'm not going to blame myself for your miserable character. i've always been strong and even if it takes me years, i know i'll still get there. there, that's my place. if i can give up, i would. i want to. but there's just too much to consider. things from my past, my childhood. screw childhood. so what? we all turn out to be who we wanna be anyway. no matter how our parents show us and love us, we all get to that point in our lives that we decide. muster up the courage and i'll be on my way. all i want to know is when. just when? this waiting is killing me. i hope i get there in time, lest i'd be dead and wait all over again.

///

am i still in shock? i guess i didn't see that coming. i thought things were different now. i thought you said you were different now. what the hell was that about then? how could you? now i can't even tell anymore. i have completely lost everything i thought i had. love. i think i want to fall in love again. i want to fall in love with someone worthy, someone except you. i don't know where to start. i don't know how to forgive and all the more now that i can't. i'm in a pit again. you know i needed you before. i loved you and i thought i still did. but nothing about you, our past, and present tells me you are the man i love/d. it hurts. you clearly had no regard for what would be best for me then yet you said you love me so many times. how was that? even if i want to put you in my shoes, even if i can, there's no way you can ever feel the same pain i did, still feeling, and re-living now. you say you are trying your best to be a better person so this family? for me? i tried my best too. back then. to love you exactly how you asked me to. and you used that against me. to play me for a fool so you can do the things you felt like doing. i wish i can be like you. i wish i can hurt you. lie to your face.

no one ever tells us we don't need man in our lives. no one ever tells us that you can never marry someone you know you don't trust. they teach us to be romantics, give it all for love.

how come you can be selfish and i can't ask for selfish things? what was the point of all this anyway?

unfair. and all i want is to even things out so i can move on. thing is, it's impossible. it's like you want a clean slate for yourself but i can't have it myself. am i asking too much? since when did you know about too much, anyway? it wasn't too much for you when you intentionally lied to my face. it wasn't too much for you that you left me without explaining anything in a time that everything IS too much for me. so unfair, it's impossible to forget. God help me.

look at me in the eye
at least I am honest.
for saying NO instead
if YES would mean uncertainty
then call me stingy

i don't manipulate people
living with what is given to me
i have always made the effort
to teach myself how to be
and yes, alone i have grown

if NO hurts other people
i'd rather hurt and be the enemy
i take full responsibility
my heart may not be bigger
nor my soul be remembered;

i don't need acknowledgement
what matters is my heart lived
and it caused no remorse for others to bear
no cross for my children to carry
no YES to be sorry.

breath of heart

funny the things that we find appalling and usually painful about someone whom we love the lies deceit and all other things that we brand heartless because it breaks our hearts turn to something to laugh about once we find about them too late.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]