the point is.

one hell of a sorry from someone who knows he gave so much trouble and pain. truth is, you avoid talking about the things you did. fact is, you just dismissed me again with that video clip or whatever. what the hell is wrong with me? it takes so long for me to realize i'm being treated like shit. i even marry the person who's turned my life to shit, my character into angst, my heart into something else. i don't even know why i have to be this way. it just feels me, now, that is. can't see me cry. don't want me to cry. yet everything you did was to make me cry. because you're selfish. up to now. yes. and again, it took me so long to realize that. gawd. it feels fucking insane inside. it fucking feels like hell all over again. and no, not just hell with you. yes, hell like when i was little. hell when i was making the dumbest decisions in my life because i was young. well there it is. i'm not young anymore. fuck it. i make a mistake my daughter's life depends on it. just once, can't i make the bad choice again? what? now i'm suddenly moral? screw it. building up all the courage so i can be someone else. just not this pathetic la right here typing. i feel like i want to cry but i'm really trying my best not to. oh please not again. cz hey, you didn't appreciate the weaker side of my too much. probably the reason you just dismissed me again earlier. for you it's weakness but this is me. not that i didn't show you that. i guess it's something you filtered out when you tried to get to "know" me or probably get in my pants. isn't that it? probably so. or maybe i just really fuck up people. i mean, so many failed relationships gotta mean something, right? damn you. i'm not going to blame myself for your miserable character. i've always been strong and even if it takes me years, i know i'll still get there. there, that's my place. if i can give up, i would. i want to. but there's just too much to consider. things from my past, my childhood. screw childhood. so what? we all turn out to be who we wanna be anyway. no matter how our parents show us and love us, we all get to that point in our lives that we decide. muster up the courage and i'll be on my way. all i want to know is when. just when? this waiting is killing me. i hope i get there in time, lest i'd be dead and wait all over again.